THE DOORMAT SYNDROME
THE DOORMAT SYNDROME
Tope had stood under the rain for about an hour, furious she put herself in this situation. She was fast loosing her cool...and smile. Her sister-in-law was all the drama she needed, too much in one, she dared say. She heaved a sigh at how foolish she had been. Again. She could have easily said no. Her sister-in-law had asked her to pick up a package from the park and wait at her office so they could go back to the family house with it. Tope was fully aware Lizzy had extra time on her hands. Once again, 'lending a helping hand' had landed her in trouble.
Tope impatiently stared at her watch, she still had a meeting with her senior manager. Her mind flashed back to the dream she had two nights ago where she had lost an opportunity for a 'big break' at work; and like the typical, religious, Nigerian woman she was, she muttered a quick " God forbid", snapping her hands backwards over her head. Tope had not realized what she had was a 'thing'. The doormat syndrome. Or maybe she did realize but was not ready to admit it.
The fear of not being accepted by her husband's family had kept her from standing her ground in some areas. This was one out of many others. Lizzy's car suddenly pulled over, rudely jerking Tope out of her thoughts. "Tope! get in! we're going to be late".
At this point, Tope had 2 choices, to either drop the package in the car and join Lizzy later on, or like she always did, hop in and tag along. She stood for a minute and decided she had her own life to live and was tired of entitled and controlling people. They did her no good, no matter who they were or how subtle the manipulation was.
How often do we find ourselves in Tope's shoes? Constantly living for other people. When will we pull ourselves out? You have to get to that point where you value your space and see the treasure in your potential. The doormat syndrome ( officially known as codependency) ultimately creates pain, resentment, bitterness, and burn outs. Codependents lack boundaries, a sense of self, anger, and entitlement. It is ultimately rooted in the irrational fear of loosing people. You constantly find yourself in a space that requires you giving and giving but getting very little in return.
What can be done?
Tope impatiently stared at her watch, she still had a meeting with her senior manager. Her mind flashed back to the dream she had two nights ago where she had lost an opportunity for a 'big break' at work; and like the typical, religious, Nigerian woman she was, she muttered a quick " God forbid", snapping her hands backwards over her head. Tope had not realized what she had was a 'thing'. The doormat syndrome. Or maybe she did realize but was not ready to admit it.
The fear of not being accepted by her husband's family had kept her from standing her ground in some areas. This was one out of many others. Lizzy's car suddenly pulled over, rudely jerking Tope out of her thoughts. "Tope! get in! we're going to be late".
At this point, Tope had 2 choices, to either drop the package in the car and join Lizzy later on, or like she always did, hop in and tag along. She stood for a minute and decided she had her own life to live and was tired of entitled and controlling people. They did her no good, no matter who they were or how subtle the manipulation was.
How often do we find ourselves in Tope's shoes? Constantly living for other people. When will we pull ourselves out? You have to get to that point where you value your space and see the treasure in your potential. The doormat syndrome ( officially known as codependency) ultimately creates pain, resentment, bitterness, and burn outs. Codependents lack boundaries, a sense of self, anger, and entitlement. It is ultimately rooted in the irrational fear of loosing people. You constantly find yourself in a space that requires you giving and giving but getting very little in return.
What can be done?
- Admit you are codependent. It's terribly tough but that's the first step to outgrowing it.
- Feel the emotion. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotion that would allow you recover from that state. Whatever emotion that will produce growth and graduation from that stage. This will essentially push and motivate you to do better and set boundaries.
- Deal with the fear. The fear of not being enough, not being accepted. The fear of abandonment. Please remember that this stage is an entire process. You cannot rush it.
- Prepare for challenges. Some days, you will do good, give yourself a pat on the back. Other days you will go back. Applaud yourself for trying an do it again. Growth is never a one-time process.
Oh, and while you're at it, don't forget to add a support structure and an accountability partner(s).
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